Vision Testing

The blood test result came back. High blood pressure, Underactive thyroid, Hormonal changes, etc... As I got off the phone with the nurse at the Dr.’s office, I felt as though I got a big punch in my stomach and was falling on the floor hearing someone counting numbers backward, all in slow motion.
And I was bombarded with so many racing thoughts.
Obviously, I can’t handle this. Maybe I didn’t realize but my body tells me clearly. It’s beyond my limit. I haven't yet completely dealt with fears and anxiety about adopting a baby, and i jumped into even more daunting task? I must have not been in a right mind. I am being grandiose. At least it's not the right timing.

Disappointment with myself came first. I can’t handle this. Even things like this. Even the things I thought are from God. Things God told me to do. So little faith, paranoid, and totally incapable of doing anything.

And doubt. Was it really God? Did God really call me to do this? Or was I anxious, feeling rotten at home doing nothing and pressured to do something for my self-worth?

And then compromise. I’ve done enough. No one will say anything if I just stop everything now. I am even going through an adoption process. Isn't that enough for now? And I have a busy husband who needs my support. I already have three kids to take care of. I need to financially support my sick dad and parents in law who are still working at the age way passed their retirement age. And who will care? Everyone already know that I am not capable of doing all these things that I claimed that i would do. So stop now before it gets even more embarrassing.

But at the end, God always intervenes. “For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11: 30)No God, it’s so heavy, My body is deteriorating because it’s so stressful and so burdensome. I argued. But He once again reminded me that this yoke is His and not mine. If it’s His, He will carry until the end, regardless of my conditions, doubts, confusion, inabilities, and even my lack of faith.

If my adoption and my career ever bring out any good fruit or bring any glory to God, I know it’s not me. It’s 100% by His Grace. I know who I am and my doubts and sins that I struggled with during this process.
And through this inner struggles, He will make me answer this question everyday during this journey: Whose yoke is it?
The testing of vision will continue to come, and it will make His vision His and make me realize that I am only the carrier of His will. God will sustain me till the end. Praise my Lord!