Wants or Needs

At many times, I find myself struggling emotionally due to many unmet needs in my life. I get discouraged or become bitter when my expectations and needs are not met by people in my life (sometimes even strangers). I do show my resentment outwardly sometimes but mostly resort to clamming up and invite myself into a self-pity party. Woe to me, I am sad, depressed, hurt, and lonely….

However, I’ve come to realize that the most of my “needs” are actually, at their core, my “wants”. I know there are physical, social, emotional needs that have to be met in order for us to function “normally” or become a better person. But how do I define those needs in my life? If I eat enough food to sustain my body, my need for food has been met. But I say to myself, “I need my Peppermint Mocha (NOW)!” Is that really a need or desire? I don’t have the greatest counselor to go and see when I go through trouble but have my husband, children, and a good number of friends that I can talk to. I have a shelter and more than enough clothes to keep me warm and protected. I have a church to go worship and hear God’s message every Sunday.

But I can’t deny the feeling of loneliness and neediness that creeps into my heart time to time. And I feel legit pain and distress when I go through them. The reason is that I have so much “WANTS” in my heart and sadly I misunderstood them as my “NEEDS”. When I deal with my wants, I can be little more tolerant, but it’s a totally different level of emotion and stress if I see them as something I need. I will be resentful for others for not (fully) meeting my intimacy needs. I will blame God for not providing for me or answering my request. I will agonize over things I don’t have.

Recognize and give thanks to God for meeting more than my needs, then I will be able to say what the Psalmist says in Psalm 23, “The Lord is my shepherd: I shall not want”. If I can remember the shepherd who cares, loves, provides, protects, and leads me everyday in my life, then I shall not be struggling so much with my “wants”.
I think that God intentionally DOESN’T meet our “wants” many times because we won’t have the opportunity to recognize his provisions that’s already in our lives, we will continue to pursue after our wants and selfish desires and ultimately lose the sight of God and the true hope and expectation for the end of our journey when we will experience the surpassing sweetness of what this life can bring to us. That is the day that the Lord Jesus will redeem and restore everything sad, lost, broken, and bounded in our lives.

Lord, I come to you this Lord’s Day morning with thanksgivings. I lay down my wants before you. Please fill my heart and my journey with the hope of that day.

Heart of Compassion

Joy went up to her teacher and quietly asked, "can she talk?" looking over at the girl who hasn't spoken a word to anyone since the first day of their preschool class.  
"Yes she can, but she's very very shy", teacher explained.
"ok", she answered and trotted away. 
As the teacher watched in curiosity, Joy went over to the girl in the corner and invited her to play puzzles with her.  
She brought different toys one after another to the table and explained how they can play with the toys.
And she asked the girl, "do you know how to play this one?" the girl came closer and whispered in Joy's ear, "yes".
Joy turned to her with a big smile on her face and exclaimed, "See? You can talk!!!"
The girl smiled back and they together burst into laughter. 

What is the heart of compassion?
It has to start with an genuine interest in someone and desire to reach out to him/her because of that interest and not out of obligation.
It's not placing myself in a upper position but simply being a friend to that person.
It motivates us to strengthen and assist that person in discovering his/her potentials and encourage the person to see that she is moving forward.
And it is to be genuinely happy about their progress and celebrate together for their big and small accomplishments.

Career development training session II:

I titled this post, “Career Development Training Session II” because it feels like God is my coach leading me from the bottom of my career development curriculum toward the top step by step without any errors. Of course, He’s the master of my life and the Good Shepherd who loves me. He’s a perfect orchestrator and awesome builder.
Since the time in January when I said “Yes” to His call to the journey of my lifecareer development, God has been so faithful and amazingly clear about the each step of my progress toward His goal. Although I still don’t have the ultimate picture in view (but I know that God knows exactly), I started to see his blueprints for my career development starting from the very fundamental level of it.

Training Session I: Why Do I Work?
I became very busy, meeting people for interviews asking for their experiences, advices, and etc., trying to find out my next step with the most reasonable and calculated way possible, still I wasn’t able to make any decision or was even sure what I needed to do next. I was becoming impatient, antsy, and doubting about this whole thing, losing confidence as I started to hit the reality wall. However, about a month ago while I was attending a conference, God repeatedly asked me this one question through sermons, seminars, and the words from my personal quiet time with the Lord. The question was: “Do you really love me?”
I wasn’t able to answer to this question because I knew after all this had already became my own agenda trying to serve my own desire, needs, and ambition. While I was hesitating, He clearly spoke to my heart that He loved me passionately no matter what. I didn’t need to prove myself to him but just accept His love for me. And only when I was able to say “Yes, Lord, you know I love you” because of the understanding of His passionate love for me, then He said, “feed my sheep”.
His love is Agape love, originated from Himself but our love is Phileo, it must be motivated by His love. Unless I understand His love and solely motivated by His love for me and my love for Him, what I will do through my life will be irrelevant to Him. He wants me to work not because He needed me for anything but to provide me an opportunity to express my love for Him.
After this first training session which hit the core and laid the foremost foundation of my career development, recently, God moved me into the second chapter of my training curriculum:

Training Session II: What is the Ultimate Goal of my Career?
It was to be the witness of Jesus Christ in Jerusalem, Judea, Samaria, and to the ends of the earth. He recently convicted me with a thought that never had crossed my mind for the last 5-10 years. God made me remember my extended family(my father, brothers and nephew) who are lost without Christ. Not only they’ve been spiritually dead but physically suffering, financially struggling, and our relationships are broken everywhere. They were going through all kinds of problems even more so in the last couple of months. Whenever I thought about them, my heart ached. Slowly over the course of time, I was losing hope for their salvation. I prayed for them without compassion. I tried to show a good examplary ethical life when all I did was making them feel unloved, judged, inferior and insecure. We both grew our resentment and bitterness towards each other, and there was no genuine talk about Jesus Christ between us. It’s been at its worst last couple of years.
But recently when I was attending our couple’s retreat, God clearly spoke to my heart, “I love them as I love you”. “I passionately love them and sacrificed my only Son for your dad and your brothers” I was shocked. “I’ve heard that you love the sick, needy, and poor, but you do love my family members who hate and reject you and constantly criticize me for my faith? Them too?” That was it. I thought they were completely hopeless and I didn’t have a drop of a compassion in me towards them. And I thought that I prayed for their salvation and did the best i could do. How blinded and self-righteous was I?
His conviction led me to repentance and God was asking me to take an action. He promised me that He would help me, give me the power to do extraordinary things for His sake, for bringing back the lost to him.

And what does it have to do with my career?
I realized some time ago that career is not my job. Career is everything I do in my life to bring glory to God. More than my occupation, the actual tool of career itself, I needed to clearly understand what I must do with and through my career. The ultimate goal is to be the witness of Jesus Christ to those around me and then to people in my community and so forth. Without the compassion for the lost soul and passion for God’s salvation for those who are lost, how does what I do with my life have any kind of relevancy to God and His Kingdom?

I praise God this morning that He is our Savior and lover of our Soul. He loves the world and EVERYONE that He created. Only reason that I am in him now is by His grace to reach out to those who are lost.

Luke 16: 27-31
“And he(rich man) said, 'Then I beg you, father, to send him to my father’s house—for I have five brothers—so that he may warn them, lest they also come into this place of torment.' But Abraham said, 'They have Moses and the Prophets; let them hear them.' And he said, 'No, father Abraham, but if someone goes to them from the dead, they will repent.' He said to him, 'If they do not hear Moses and the Prophets, neither will they be convinced if someone should rise from the dead.'"

Only reason why I am alive today is to bring this truth to the people who have not yet accepted Jesus and on a conveyor belt that leads to the final exit door.

when you are in love

"when somebody loved me
everything was beautiful
every hour we spent together
lives within my heart" From Disney's Toy Story 2, "When Somebody loved me"

When you're in love, only thing you think about is that "somebody".
Our passion, heart, and focus is solely with that person.
But when that love drifts away, my primary focus rests on myself.

Pride is to be totally obssessed with myself. Self-absorbtion.
"I" become the focal point of my life and I matter the most.
I constantly seek importance of myself and I become my ultimate passion.

If I say I have a passion for God and His ministry, I need to be humble, I have to become self-forgotten and emptied. And that self-lessness comes only when i am lost in love with God.

I need to understand His love, His passion for me. And that has to be my only motivation to serve God.

"My heart is not proud, Lord, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself wih great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have calmed myself and quieted my ambitions. I am like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child I am content. Israel, put your hope in the Lord both now and forevermore."(Ps. 131)

Joy's in more PR's

내가 할수 없다는 생각은...

스트레스가 너무 심해서인지, 입양절차중 하나인physical exam report를 띠려고 검사를 받았는데, 갑상성 기능저하, 고혈압, 그밖에 몇가지 더 몸에 이상이 있다고 결과가 나왔다. 그때문에 또 스트레스때문에 정신적으로 몇주 많이 힘들었었다. 하지만, 신실하신 하나님께서 손을 내밀어 나를 일으켜 주셨다.

지금 생각해보면, 정금같은 시간이었다. 의욕도 상실하고, 자신감도 잃고, 그러다 보니, 하나님의 비젼안에 숨겨저 있던, 나의 이기적이고 세상적인 욕심이 내려놓아 지게 되었다. 그리고, Surrender…

내가 할수 없다는 생각은 슬프고 좌절된생각이 아니라, 바르고, 건강한 생각이다. HOPELESS한 생각이 아니라, 소망을 가져오는 태도이다. 그걸 주시기 위해 하나님께서는 좌절이라는 어려움을 허락하셨다.

나의 내면의 갈등, 염려와, 좌절, 걱정과 불안함, 이 모든것들은 확실치 않은 비젼에서 왔다고 생각한다. 무언가가 확실하면, 갈등도 계산도 두려움도 적어진다. 확실한 비젼이 없다는건, 어떤 이유(cause)에 대한 열정이 없다는 것, 그것은 결국 하나님에 대한 열정, 하나님만을 섬기겠다는 열정과 순수함이 모자란것이라는걸 깨달았다.

하나님께서는 다시한번, 나의 불순한 동기를 내려놓게 하시고, 내가 하고자 하는일이, 하나님만을 위한것, 하나님이 원하시는 일이라는확신, 또 하나님의 짐, 그분의 yoke이며, 그분이 하실거라는 믿음을 갖게 하셨다.

그리고, 이모든것이 깨달아지고, “주여 내가 여기 있사오니, 나를 보내주시옵소서” 하는 고백이 나오게 하시는 하나님의 은혜때문에, 나는 다시 일어나 계속 이 길을 걷고 있다.

Vision Testing

The blood test result came back. High blood pressure, Underactive thyroid, Hormonal changes, etc... As I got off the phone with the nurse at the Dr.’s office, I felt as though I got a big punch in my stomach and was falling on the floor hearing someone counting numbers backward, all in slow motion.
And I was bombarded with so many racing thoughts.
Obviously, I can’t handle this. Maybe I didn’t realize but my body tells me clearly. It’s beyond my limit. I haven't yet completely dealt with fears and anxiety about adopting a baby, and i jumped into even more daunting task? I must have not been in a right mind. I am being grandiose. At least it's not the right timing.

Disappointment with myself came first. I can’t handle this. Even things like this. Even the things I thought are from God. Things God told me to do. So little faith, paranoid, and totally incapable of doing anything.

And doubt. Was it really God? Did God really call me to do this? Or was I anxious, feeling rotten at home doing nothing and pressured to do something for my self-worth?

And then compromise. I’ve done enough. No one will say anything if I just stop everything now. I am even going through an adoption process. Isn't that enough for now? And I have a busy husband who needs my support. I already have three kids to take care of. I need to financially support my sick dad and parents in law who are still working at the age way passed their retirement age. And who will care? Everyone already know that I am not capable of doing all these things that I claimed that i would do. So stop now before it gets even more embarrassing.

But at the end, God always intervenes. “For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11: 30)No God, it’s so heavy, My body is deteriorating because it’s so stressful and so burdensome. I argued. But He once again reminded me that this yoke is His and not mine. If it’s His, He will carry until the end, regardless of my conditions, doubts, confusion, inabilities, and even my lack of faith.

If my adoption and my career ever bring out any good fruit or bring any glory to God, I know it’s not me. It’s 100% by His Grace. I know who I am and my doubts and sins that I struggled with during this process.
And through this inner struggles, He will make me answer this question everyday during this journey: Whose yoke is it?
The testing of vision will continue to come, and it will make His vision His and make me realize that I am only the carrier of His will. God will sustain me till the end. Praise my Lord!

Childrearing > Roller Coaster Ride

Joy's PR in Target Store :)
Dan's First Car Accident :(

In every moments of childrearing, my goal is to put gospel in clear view and shepherd their (and my) hearts to acknowledge God and trust in His goodness.

Childrearing-can't get any more exciting than this!

Parenting: not just words but by example

(from my email to Dan)
"...However, I believe that these circumstances and your experience of being stretched is needed for your growth. I pray everyday for you that you will learn to depend on God for his strengths and wisdom in situations like this and experience God's faithfulness and guidance as you become humble and dependent on Him. You are not doing this alone. God is in this with you and he has allowed it for a good purpose.

Unless you're stretched, you won't grow nor understand the need to depend on God.
I thank God for sending His helper (---) in time of need and I am here to pray for you everyday.

I am confident that God will make you victorious and grant you a valuable experience.
I know for sure that through this experience, you will gain confidence and courage to take more challenges that life will bring to you in the future. God will make you so joyful when the harvest time comes because the fruits that you will enjoy will be so sweet! I can guarantee!

Keep it up my beautiful son! I know you can do this. And God is with you!"
________

God is so humorous! I sent this email to my son two days ago encouraging him to see his hardship as God-given opportunity to grow. However, yesterday I was put into a situation that caused so much stress in me. :)
At first, I complained about the situation to Dan, but as we pray together, i was strengthened and able to find peace and hope in this situation. We prayed together for God's strength and thanked the Lord for the opportunity through which we can be stretched and grow. PTL!
God wanted me to teach my son not with words but by examples. It wasn't an easy task.. haha

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. ANd I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my derees and be careful to keep my laws." (Ezek 36:26-27)

Yes! I am starting a blog

Since the vision retreat, God has placed some clear convictions in my heart that I've been seeking to find more about and trying to obey as they become clearer.
Two things God have told me to give him the total trust with and obey were 1. adoption and 2. the next stage of my personal career development.
I was totally not ready nor expected to receive these two callings at the time but through the sermon preached at the retreat and the undeniable work of the Holy Spirit, i committed myself to letting down my nets into the "deep water" according to Jesus' command.
Two things that I mentioned above automatically came to my mind when i thought about the "deep water" areas of my life. And i said to God, "I will do it because you said so".
Since then, my journey into the deep water began and God has been faithfully leading me as a good shepherd through provision, guidance, and protection.

I've been told to start a blog about my cakes and handcrafted items that I love to make. Someone even suggested me to start a counseling blog. But whenever i thought about setting one up, i always ended up saying to myself, "who would want to read about just an ordinary a-jum-ma and her life?" "Will my contents be even worthy of being read by others?"
I still don't know. But this blog is for me. I want to do this so that I could keep the record of how my Good shepherd led me throughout my life and always be reminded of His faithfulness and goodness.

Like Abraham, although I know God has called me to these two visions, I don't know where I am going. I am at the stage where I can only say, "I set out...."
God will continue to lead me toward his vision and the promised land.
At the end of this journey, I know i will be dragging the net full of fish.

Park Family's Adoption Update #2: FB post July 15, 2011

Finally we've been approved by the agency and our case is moving forward! Thank you all for your prayers! The next step in this process is to go through the Home Study and Parent Edu.Wkshp. Also we are planning on starting our fundraiser soon. Pls continue to pray with us so that things could go smoothly and we could be matched with our girl in His time! Love you all!

Adoption Update #1-fb post April 4, 2011

Dear Friends,

After many months of research on the international adoption, my family has started the international adoption application process as of today. We have been praying and looking for an agency to work with during this process and finally decided to go with an agency called, “Eastern Social Welfare Society, Inc.”, one of four approved adoption agencies in South Korea.

I contacted the regional office in NY and discussed the details of the international adoption. One of the workers there kindly answered all my questions that I wasn’t able to find the answers to up until now. This person also did the initial screening to verify the eligibility of my family for the international adoption.

At this point, as we have expected, our financial eligibility is in question. More
practically speaking, we won’t be considered eligible financially in our current situation. However, the representative who showed a great support during our conversation told me that she would personally take our application with her on her business trip to the headquarter in Korea next Monday. And the application will be presented to the committee that decides the eligibility of applicants for adoption.

I was really amazed by her kind offer and so encouraged by God bringing great helpers and
partners in his time. Since the family’s financial status plays a big part in verifying the eligibility for adoption, the representative advised us to write a personal letter explaining our family’s vision
for adopting a child even though we have three children of our own and are not financially stable enough to raise one more child. She said she would present this letter to the committee along with my application.

At this point, we know that nothing is guaranteed. However, our family just wanted to take this step of faith and see where God leads us. I really ask all of you, our friends in Christ, to pray with us so that we could experience God’s guidance and blessings through this process and experience God moving the hearts of those who are involved. I will continue to post updates and
humbly ask all of you for your continual prayer and support.

Love, Jee (of course, Jae, Daniel, Isaiah, & Soon to be a big sister, Joy)