"when somebody loved me
everything was beautiful
every hour we spent together
lives within my heart" From Disney's Toy Story 2, "When Somebody loved me"
When you're in love, only thing you think about is that "somebody".
Our passion, heart, and focus is solely with that person.
But when that love drifts away, my primary focus rests on myself.
Pride is to be totally obssessed with myself. Self-absorbtion.
"I" become the focal point of my life and I matter the most.
I constantly seek importance of myself and I become my ultimate passion.
If I say I have a passion for God and His ministry, I need to be humble, I have to become self-forgotten and emptied. And that self-lessness comes only when i am lost in love with God.
I need to understand His love, His passion for me. And that has to be my only motivation to serve God.
"My heart is not proud, Lord, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself wih great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have calmed myself and quieted my ambitions. I am like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child I am content. Israel, put your hope in the Lord both now and forevermore."(Ps. 131)
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
내가 할수 없다는 생각은...
스트레스가 너무 심해서인지, 입양절차중 하나인physical exam report를 띠려고 검사를 받았는데, 갑상성 기능저하, 고혈압, 그밖에 몇가지 더 몸에 이상이 있다고 결과가 나왔다. 그때문에 또 스트레스때문에 정신적으로 몇주 많이 힘들었었다. 하지만, 신실하신 하나님께서 손을 내밀어 나를 일으켜 주셨다.
지금 생각해보면, 정금같은 시간이었다. 의욕도 상실하고, 자신감도 잃고, 그러다 보니, 하나님의 비젼안에 숨겨저 있던, 나의 이기적이고 세상적인 욕심이 내려놓아 지게 되었다. 그리고, Surrender…
내가 할수 없다는 생각은 슬프고 좌절된생각이 아니라, 바르고, 건강한 생각이다. HOPELESS한 생각이 아니라, 소망을 가져오는 태도이다. 그걸 주시기 위해 하나님께서는 좌절이라는 어려움을 허락하셨다.
나의 내면의 갈등, 염려와, 좌절, 걱정과 불안함, 이 모든것들은 확실치 않은 비젼에서 왔다고 생각한다. 무언가가 확실하면, 갈등도 계산도 두려움도 적어진다. 확실한 비젼이 없다는건, 어떤 이유(cause)에 대한 열정이 없다는 것, 그것은 결국 하나님에 대한 열정, 하나님만을 섬기겠다는 열정과 순수함이 모자란것이라는걸 깨달았다.
하나님께서는 다시한번, 나의 불순한 동기를 내려놓게 하시고, 내가 하고자 하는일이, 하나님만을 위한것, 하나님이 원하시는 일이라는확신, 또 하나님의 짐, 그분의 yoke이며, 그분이 하실거라는 믿음을 갖게 하셨다.
그리고, 이모든것이 깨달아지고, “주여 내가 여기 있사오니, 나를 보내주시옵소서” 하는 고백이 나오게 하시는 하나님의 은혜때문에, 나는 다시 일어나 계속 이 길을 걷고 있다.
지금 생각해보면, 정금같은 시간이었다. 의욕도 상실하고, 자신감도 잃고, 그러다 보니, 하나님의 비젼안에 숨겨저 있던, 나의 이기적이고 세상적인 욕심이 내려놓아 지게 되었다. 그리고, Surrender…
내가 할수 없다는 생각은 슬프고 좌절된생각이 아니라, 바르고, 건강한 생각이다. HOPELESS한 생각이 아니라, 소망을 가져오는 태도이다. 그걸 주시기 위해 하나님께서는 좌절이라는 어려움을 허락하셨다.
나의 내면의 갈등, 염려와, 좌절, 걱정과 불안함, 이 모든것들은 확실치 않은 비젼에서 왔다고 생각한다. 무언가가 확실하면, 갈등도 계산도 두려움도 적어진다. 확실한 비젼이 없다는건, 어떤 이유(cause)에 대한 열정이 없다는 것, 그것은 결국 하나님에 대한 열정, 하나님만을 섬기겠다는 열정과 순수함이 모자란것이라는걸 깨달았다.
하나님께서는 다시한번, 나의 불순한 동기를 내려놓게 하시고, 내가 하고자 하는일이, 하나님만을 위한것, 하나님이 원하시는 일이라는확신, 또 하나님의 짐, 그분의 yoke이며, 그분이 하실거라는 믿음을 갖게 하셨다.
그리고, 이모든것이 깨달아지고, “주여 내가 여기 있사오니, 나를 보내주시옵소서” 하는 고백이 나오게 하시는 하나님의 은혜때문에, 나는 다시 일어나 계속 이 길을 걷고 있다.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Vision Testing
The blood test result came back. High blood pressure, Underactive thyroid, Hormonal changes, etc... As I got off the phone with the nurse at the Dr.’s office, I felt as though I got a big punch in my stomach and was falling on the floor hearing someone counting numbers backward, all in slow motion.
And I was bombarded with so many racing thoughts.
Obviously, I can’t handle this. Maybe I didn’t realize but my body tells me clearly. It’s beyond my limit. I haven't yet completely dealt with fears and anxiety about adopting a baby, and i jumped into even more daunting task? I must have not been in a right mind. I am being grandiose. At least it's not the right timing.
Disappointment with myself came first. I can’t handle this. Even things like this. Even the things I thought are from God. Things God told me to do. So little faith, paranoid, and totally incapable of doing anything.
And doubt. Was it really God? Did God really call me to do this? Or was I anxious, feeling rotten at home doing nothing and pressured to do something for my self-worth?
And then compromise. I’ve done enough. No one will say anything if I just stop everything now. I am even going through an adoption process. Isn't that enough for now? And I have a busy husband who needs my support. I already have three kids to take care of. I need to financially support my sick dad and parents in law who are still working at the age way passed their retirement age. And who will care? Everyone already know that I am not capable of doing all these things that I claimed that i would do. So stop now before it gets even more embarrassing.
But at the end, God always intervenes. “For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11: 30)No God, it’s so heavy, My body is deteriorating because it’s so stressful and so burdensome. I argued. But He once again reminded me that this yoke is His and not mine. If it’s His, He will carry until the end, regardless of my conditions, doubts, confusion, inabilities, and even my lack of faith.
If my adoption and my career ever bring out any good fruit or bring any glory to God, I know it’s not me. It’s 100% by His Grace. I know who I am and my doubts and sins that I struggled with during this process.
And through this inner struggles, He will make me answer this question everyday during this journey: Whose yoke is it?
The testing of vision will continue to come, and it will make His vision His and make me realize that I am only the carrier of His will. God will sustain me till the end. Praise my Lord!
And I was bombarded with so many racing thoughts.
Obviously, I can’t handle this. Maybe I didn’t realize but my body tells me clearly. It’s beyond my limit. I haven't yet completely dealt with fears and anxiety about adopting a baby, and i jumped into even more daunting task? I must have not been in a right mind. I am being grandiose. At least it's not the right timing.
Disappointment with myself came first. I can’t handle this. Even things like this. Even the things I thought are from God. Things God told me to do. So little faith, paranoid, and totally incapable of doing anything.
And doubt. Was it really God? Did God really call me to do this? Or was I anxious, feeling rotten at home doing nothing and pressured to do something for my self-worth?
And then compromise. I’ve done enough. No one will say anything if I just stop everything now. I am even going through an adoption process. Isn't that enough for now? And I have a busy husband who needs my support. I already have three kids to take care of. I need to financially support my sick dad and parents in law who are still working at the age way passed their retirement age. And who will care? Everyone already know that I am not capable of doing all these things that I claimed that i would do. So stop now before it gets even more embarrassing.
But at the end, God always intervenes. “For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11: 30)No God, it’s so heavy, My body is deteriorating because it’s so stressful and so burdensome. I argued. But He once again reminded me that this yoke is His and not mine. If it’s His, He will carry until the end, regardless of my conditions, doubts, confusion, inabilities, and even my lack of faith.
If my adoption and my career ever bring out any good fruit or bring any glory to God, I know it’s not me. It’s 100% by His Grace. I know who I am and my doubts and sins that I struggled with during this process.
And through this inner struggles, He will make me answer this question everyday during this journey: Whose yoke is it?
The testing of vision will continue to come, and it will make His vision His and make me realize that I am only the carrier of His will. God will sustain me till the end. Praise my Lord!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Childrearing > Roller Coaster Ride
Joy's PR in Target Store :)
Dan's First Car Accident :(
In every moments of childrearing, my goal is to put gospel in clear view and shepherd their (and my) hearts to acknowledge God and trust in His goodness.
Childrearing-can't get any more exciting than this!
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